Independence versus Interdependence in Relationship

Posted on by Wendy E. Smith, MA, LMHC

A lot of times, when couples come in to see me, one or both of the partners will have the idea that a problem in the relationship is that one or both of the partners is too dependent on the other. Often, in this regard, the partners will use the term “co-dependence” which has come into the vernacular from addiction theory and become sort of a dirty word.

Partners have the idea that a strong person stands on his own two feet and does not need things from his partner, and that needing things is “weak”. Certainly, being able to stand on one’s own two feet is a good and important life skill that helps us in many arenas, and through many challenges, of life. However, the whole purpose of being in a relationship is actually to be able to lean on another person and not go through life alone. Through our adult relationships, we get our attachment needs (those that earlier in life were hopefully met by our parents) met. Thus, when we are scared. we can reach for reassurance, when we are hurt, we can reach for comfort, when we feel ashamed, we can reach for acceptance and validation.

When both partners feel secure in a relationship (and here I often put the tips of my fingers together to form an A-frame shape) and can lean into the relationship for support, then the structure of the relationship is strong. In fact, a lot of the work we do in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is to help partners learn to reach for what they need from their partner and respond to their partner’s reaches in kind.

And here we get to the crux of the matter. The truth is that relationship distress occurs when partners are too scared to reach for what they need from each other. Instead, they try to get their attachment needs met through indirect means that lead to confusion, arguing, pursuit and withdrawal, and distance, instead of the result they are hoping for.  And, when there is distress in the relationship, it becomes even scarier to reach and lean in.  In fact, it takes a whole lot of courage.  It actually takes a lot more strength to learn to be interdependent with one’s partner than to stand separately on one’s own two feet.  Personal strength in relationship leads to interdependence which leads to a stronger relationship.  Independence, it turns out, is not all that it’s cracked up to be.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with Trauma Survivors

Posted on by Wendy E. Smith, MA, LMHC

In July I went to a wonderful training with ICEEFT-endorsed trainer Kathryn Rheem on working with “those who have endured more than most” in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.  I was eager to attend this training because I have noticed that, not surprisingly, a very high proportion of my couples include at least one trauma survivor, if not two.   I say “not surprisingly” because survivors of relational trauma in childhood (or even in adult relationships that preceded the current one), when triggered, will often momentarily perceive their partners, who are their primary source of safety, as a source of threat.  Once past trauma is cued in this way, trauma survivors feel as if the danger is present now and react defensively with fight, flight, freeze, submit or appease reactions, all of which tend to lead to their partners thinking, feeling and behaving in ways that then lead to further upsetting the trauma survivor.  In other words, in couples where a trauma history is present, emotion emerges quickly and chaotically and communication is scrambled.  No wonder couples in this situation end up feeling so distressed, overwhelmed and confused.

The wonderful news here is that, because Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy ultimately leads to stronger bonding between partners, which produces a deep sense of safety, it can actually go a long way towards healing the aftermath of trauma in the individual partners who have survived so much.  On the way to sharing their feelings of pain, terror, and shame with their partners, trauma survivors are helped, very slowly and carefully, to come to know and process these emotions within themselves.  Thus, both intra-psychic and inter-psychic healing occurs.  The less wonderful news is that, the more trauma partners have collectively survived, the slower the healing process will usually be.  De-escalation of entrenched reactive patterns between the partners will likely take longer, and restructuring and deepening the partner bond will likely take longer as well.

The hard work that trauma survivors do in facing and processing the fears that lie behind and below their defenses takes great courage and requires skilled, well-paced, and attuned support on the part of the therapist and the therapist-supported partner.  Giving up coping strategies that have served us well for decades feels like a crazy thing to do.  And the only reason people who have endured so much already would do so in this context is because their coping strategies are now blocking them from getting at what they long for most–the deep sense of security they can earn when risking with, and being lovingly received by, their adult romantic partners.

 

Towards a Deeper Connection: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Stage II

Posted on by Wendy E. Smith, MA, LMHC

I have recently been working with two couples in the later stages of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) and feel very moved by the deep work these partners are doing with each other in an effort to achieve a deep, secure and lasting bond.

In stage I of EFCT, partners gain an understanding of the negative interaction cycle they have co-created and learn to stop it.  A “cease fire” is achieved and partners begin to gain a sense of control over what happens between them and to re-experience what they so much enjoy about their relationship.

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