Independence versus Interdependence in Relationship

Posted on by Wendy E. Smith, MA, LMHC

A lot of times, when couples come in to see me, one or both of the partners will have the idea that a problem in the relationship is that one or both of the partners is too dependent on the other. Often, in this regard, the partners will use the term “co-dependence” which has come into the vernacular from addiction theory and become sort of a dirty word.

Partners have the idea that a strong person stands on his own two feet and does not need things from his partner, and that needing things is “weak”. Certainly, being able to stand on one’s own two feet is a good and important life skill that helps us in many arenas, and through many challenges, of life. However, the whole purpose of being in a relationship is actually to be able to lean on another person and not go through life alone. Through our adult relationships, we get our attachment needs (those that earlier in life were hopefully met by our parents) met. Thus, when we are scared. we can reach for reassurance, when we are hurt, we can reach for comfort, when we feel ashamed, we can reach for acceptance and validation.

When both partners feel secure in a relationship (and here I often put the tips of my fingers together to form an A-frame shape) and can lean into the relationship for support, then the structure of the relationship is strong. In fact, a lot of the work we do in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is to help partners learn to reach for what they need from their partner and respond to their partner’s reaches in kind.

And here we get to the crux of the matter. The truth is that relationship distress occurs when partners are too scared to reach for what they need from each other. Instead, they try to get their attachment needs met through indirect means that lead to confusion, arguing, pursuit and withdrawal, and distance, instead of the result they are hoping for.  And, when there is distress in the relationship, it becomes even scarier to reach and lean in.  In fact, it takes a whole lot of courage.  It actually takes a lot more strength to learn to be interdependent with one’s partner than to stand separately on one’s own two feet.  Personal strength in relationship leads to interdependence which leads to a stronger relationship.  Independence, it turns out, is not all that it’s cracked up to be.

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Posted on by Wendy E. Smith, MA, LMHC

After getting further training, I have been using Emotionally Focused Therapy, or “EFT”, in my work with both couples and individuals.

When working with couples, I help each partner to sink below the surface emotions he/she may be feeling and begin to get in touch with the “primary” emotions and relationship, or “attachment”, needs that underlie his/her reactions to his/her partner. An attachment need may be something like, “I need to know that you accept me, even when I screw up”, or “I need to know that I won’t lose you”.

Once I have helped the partners understand how their surface, or “secondary”, emotions have been driving the cycle of negative interactions which has brought them to therapy, I help them learn to communicate on the level of their primary emotions, a level on which their deepest needs are much more likely to be met. Via this process, partners are often learning to speak to each other in a way that is completely new in their experience of each other, and likely in their experience as a whole as well.

Although EFT is not the only, or sometimes not even the primary, technique I use with individual clients, it is clear to me that EFT is also extremely helpful in individual therapy. Once individuals have become aware of their secondary and primary emotions and the unmet needs that are associated with the latter, they can use this awareness to direct their decisions and communication in the world much more effectively than when their unseen emotions were (seemingly mysteriously) driving them.

Furthermore, in individual work, there is more time for developing understanding of complex patterns involving the interplay of emotions. For example, a person may be feeling deeply sad, but not able to experience and move through his/her pain or grief because shame regarding feeling sad blocks that exploration.

Additionally, while some primary emotions, such as primary anger, can be extremely motivating and helpful, other primary emotions are “maladaptive” and, when deeply examined, show themselves as hindrances to the client. An example of a maladaptive emotion might be fear of certain people or situations that was adaptive in childhood but no longer makes sense in the life of the adult, even though it is still felt very deeply. In such a situation, once the client has felt safe enough to dip into that fear in the therapy session, and the brain circuit related to that experience is open, the therapist can guide the client in transforming the maladaptive fear with a another emotion, say pride or curiosity, that is also present for the client but has so far been overshadowed by his/her maladaptive fear. The therapist can, thus, assist the client in physically (on the level of neural pathways) making a change in the way his/her habitual thought and feeling processes actually work.

EFT is a well-researched, effective and safe mode of therapy, but it is not for the meek. It involves being willing to experience deep, difficult emotions directly in session, with the therapist present as a trained and compassionate guide. (Thus, a solid, trusting relationship between therapist and client is definitely a prerequisite.) The payoff is that the client’s inner experiences, as well as his/her experiences out in the world, can be gradually and profoundly changed in a way that leads to greater authenticity and fulfillment.