In many families, children are raised with certain roles that they take with them into young adulthood, and beyond. For example, one child might be expected to take care of a parent’s needs and be made to feel guilty if she does not. Another child might be the one who is always criticized by his parent and never feels that he can gain approval or be good enough. Yet another child might be the peacemaker in the family, always subordinating her own needs in an effort to make sure that the family as a whole is okay and stays together.
Children usually have little choice but to accept the roles they are given. And the pull to continue filling these roles is very strong even after they have launched. Indeed, it is not unheard of for individuals still to be seeking a parent’s approval even after that parent has died.
If children don’t meet their parents’ expectations or otherwise do what is necessary to survive in their families of origin, the consequences could be dire; children are, after all, almost completely dependent on their parents and other family members. As adults, though, dissonance can start to occur when continuing to fill family of origin roles interferes with independence, authenticity, one’s own values and/or desires, a romantic partner relationship, one’s sense of worth, and so on. Anxiety, depression and/or romantic relationship strife can result.
In such cases, it can be important for the individual to start setting boundaries with family of origin members through what I call “kind but firm” assertiveness. And, let’s be clear: This is not an easy matter, because it involves possibly angering people whom we love, on whom we once depended and with whom we have entrenched relational patterns.
One example of setting a “kind but firm” boundary is saying to one’s intrusive mother, “I appreciate your concern but I need to take care of x [my finances, romantic life, kids, or whatever] in my own way”. Another example is saying to one’s critical parent, “I know what your expectation for me is but that doesn’t suit me right now and I won’t be pursing that course of action; I’m telling you this because it’s very important to me to have an authentic relationship with you in which you can see me for who I really am”. Another example is letting a bullying sibling know, “it’s not okay for you to continue talking with me in that way and if you don’t stop I will have to stop talking with you for today”.
All of these kinds of boundary setting are ways of asserting one’s own desires, needs, limits, and so forth. In effect, the person setting the boundary is saying, “I’m not going to play that old, expected role anymore. I’m changing my role in the family. Here is what is okay and what is not okay with me now”.
Usually the result of “kind but firm” boundary setting in the first instance is to provoke anxiety in the recipient(s) of the message. Everyone is used to the now assertive person playing his old role, and it is very disconcerting to have her do otherwise. Usually family of origin members will react by trying everything they can think of to drag the newly assertive family member back to his old position. Protests may be launched. “Guilting” may occur. Anger may be expressed.
According to some research on family systems that I remember from counseling school, it takes 15 to 20 repetitions of (kindly!) standing one’s ground in order to convince family of origin members that one is really not going to return to playing one’s established role in the family. At that point, the family system will usually reorganize around the newly assertive member’s new position, and a new order will emerge.
And, here again, we return to how daunting, even if necessary, this can be to try. Even trying “kind but firm” boundary setting once sounds like a huge, scary undertaking to many of my adult clients (e.g., “I could never tell my father that!”). And when I tell them that they will actually have to do this up to 20 times, they often look at me like I might be from Mars.
On the plus side, though, “kind but firm” assertiveness is one route to liberation from dissonance, building lasting, more authentic bonds with family members, and just plain being able to be one’s self.